The "One Day" Body Image
I hated how I looked, I wanted to choke out the fat girl in me and watch her die!
Manhattan Beach, California
“I stood in front of the mirror and regardless of all my flaws I refused my compulsion to tear myself down. I asked God, "let me see what you see." So I told myself out loud and ignoring my shame. "You are a sexy beast! .”
How can you have sex without feeling sexy? It really is difficult. I am not saying it is not possible but the word sex is in sexy. As women we have issues with loving our bodies. I know that I do. I was and still battle with the “one day” body image. That one day I will look sexy, one day, I will be worthy of praise, one day, I will like what I see, and one day I won’t look in the mirror and pick apart what I am looking at.
Every woman does this. Small, skinny, tall, short, average, plus and fat. We all deal with the “One Day Body Image”. If that is true, and it is, then one day, is never going to happen. We will constantly be waiting for a day that will never come. I prayed about this mindset and God fought me on this. He demanded that I love myself as I am. I fought him back, hard.
My perspective was I need to lose weight so how can I love myself as I am. I wanted to lose weight more than anything else. I’m sure most people think that if you want to lose weight then just lose weight. It isn’t that cut and dry for some people. Actually, some of us deal with underlined issues that make it difficult to lose weight. I do. So, losing weight stayed on my mind all the time. It consumed me. I didn’t accept compliments. When people said I was beautiful it landed on deaf ears. Even when I fixed myself up I wasn’t pleased with how I looked. I didn’t get the same satisfaction that I use to get from a well-worn outfit, hair laid, and makeup flawless. I felt like it wasn’t enough until I lost weight. Losing weight became my focus and turned into my idol. I was praying to the slim fast god asking for it to show me mercy so that someday, one day, id’ be beautiful. I hated how I looked,
I wanted to choke out the fat girl in me and watch her die! I did not love her! I wouldn’t give her that complement. I thought that I was just focused but, I was tearing myself down.
God defended me from myself and told me flat out, “DO NOT TREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT!” He told me that my view of myself was motivated by the enemy. That he, God, loved every inch of who I was and that I was his daughter. It was so confusing to me because I know he wanted me to lose weight, so what was the big deal with me feeling that way. He told me I was stupid with out calling me stupid. He said,
“Are you angry at a child that is crawling instead of walking? Wouldn’t it be cruel if as a parent you started to scream at a child that was crawling because you know that they should be walking by now?
How do you think this would affect their ability to be able to move forward? How would it affect their desire to want to learn how to walk? And when they try to walk, how well do you think they would do?”
Stupid. I was acting like a bad parent to myself and those actions lead to fears, panic, issues underneath the surface that was causing me to fail. I was sabotaging myself with my attitude and changing how I felt about myself. I was idolizing the woman that I was going to be, instead of embracing the woman I was.
So I stopped whooping my own tail, and fat shaming, and ridiculing myself and started to moment by moment, and step by step embrace who I was today. I didn’t glorify being overweight I just love me. I started with simple things like telling myself that I was beautiful through out the day.
I stood in front of the mirror and regardless of all my flaws I refused my compulsion to tear myself down. I asked God, "let me see what you see." So I told myself out loud and ignoring my shame. "You are a sexy beast!
If this is an issue that you are having then understand this is something you have to ask to be healed from. This is daily renewing your mind. Putting together a plan that fits your lifestyle and gives you room to not be perfect but yet pleading the blood over yourself and knowing that faith with out works is dead. I can not tell you that I am at the size I would like to be but, I can tell you that I have reached a goal.
The goal to reach the “one day,” The day that I change my mindset was my one day. I love me some me. I love my fat thighs, I love my triple D breast, I love my yeast rolls on my stomach. I love my more then above average hips. In this moment I have reached my “one day,” and maybe the day you read this you don’t feel the same. That is okay. I renew my mind and tell it to obey and fall in line with what my father says. He says:
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14